2011 was a long year for us
emotionally and spiritually but we both learned so much about each other and God's amazing love for us. Although it was not easy we would not take back a single thing.
Here it is in a nutshell...
After months of tests and procedures we were finally told in April 2011 that we would not be able to conceive on our own. I have a low AMH which is a hormone tied directly to a woman's ovarian reserve. Basically, I have an extremely low amount of eggs and it would be nearly impossible for us to conceive without help.
We were completely devastated. I have dreamt of being a mom since I was a little girl and to be told that this dream may never come true...I was heart broken.
In the days and weeks that followed I can distinctly remember feeling as though I was grieving. Grieving the possibility that I may never have biological children.
We had a roller coaster of emotions and questions for God and several nights were spent crying myself to sleep and wondering, why??
I met with a friend who brought several things into perspective. She too had struggled with infertility and she said that she can remember God asking her "What if I make you last?"
This really hit home for me and I still think about it all the time. All of my friends had babies, and I felt that I was going to be last. God spoke to me through her and I was able to step back from my pity party and think to myself...
I came to the realization that this trial was not going to be easy. This trial was meant to grow me. To grow my husband. To challenge us to seek Him more and to practice more patience then I even knew was possible. This trial has been horrible at times but I would not take it back.
God is challenging me and my Type A personality. I am a planner and a control freak and I have had to surrender control to Him. It has not been easy but I can look back now and feel the freedom that comes with allowing the Lord to take control of my life and allowing Him to be my comfort in the bad times and my joy in the good.
The trial is not over but my perspective has changed. I have hope and joy in the Lord and I believe his promises to me are good. He is not punishing me but He is growing me and I am blessed and excited for what He has planned for Shaun and I and our future family.
We were completely devastated. I have dreamt of being a mom since I was a little girl and to be told that this dream may never come true...I was heart broken.
In the days and weeks that followed I can distinctly remember feeling as though I was grieving. Grieving the possibility that I may never have biological children.
We had a roller coaster of emotions and questions for God and several nights were spent crying myself to sleep and wondering, why??
I met with a friend who brought several things into perspective. She too had struggled with infertility and she said that she can remember God asking her "What if I make you last?"
This really hit home for me and I still think about it all the time. All of my friends had babies, and I felt that I was going to be last. God spoke to me through her and I was able to step back from my pity party and think to myself...
Who cares if I am last! Will I stop praising the Lord, or going to church, or reading His Word???
No!
I came to the realization that this trial was not going to be easy. This trial was meant to grow me. To grow my husband. To challenge us to seek Him more and to practice more patience then I even knew was possible. This trial has been horrible at times but I would not take it back.
God is challenging me and my Type A personality. I am a planner and a control freak and I have had to surrender control to Him. It has not been easy but I can look back now and feel the freedom that comes with allowing the Lord to take control of my life and allowing Him to be my comfort in the bad times and my joy in the good.
The trial is not over but my perspective has changed. I have hope and joy in the Lord and I believe his promises to me are good. He is not punishing me but He is growing me and I am blessed and excited for what He has planned for Shaun and I and our future family.
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