TIRED!

It is 6:30 and I am in bed. Teeth brushed, face washed ready for bed. Crazy! I will play on the computer for a bit but if tonight is anything like the last 2 nights I will be asleep by 8:30 at the latest. 

I am so tired! 

My shot hurt very bad tonight for some reason and I cried. Only 4 more weeks to go! Of course it is worth it but it sure is getting old. It's beyond getting old, it's very old. I hate it. I love my little baby already but enough with the needles!

Speaking of baby!?!? Baby! Just saying that is weird...

I was talking to Shaun and realized that as Saturday gets closer, I am getting more and more nervous. I am more nervous for Saturday than I was for the pregnancy test. 

I am scared that when I look up onto the screen, there will not be anything there. :(

No heartbeat, no sac, no baby. 

Lord, help me to trust in you. Take away my fears and my anxiety. I know you are in control and I am excited to see the great things you are going to do in Shaun and I and with our family. 

I pray for this baby all day long and still I can't help but feel fearful that this joy is not going to last. That it is not for me. That maybe I have to endure something else, more, before I will get to really claim the words "I AM PREGNANT." 

Like I said, I am tired, and obviously a bit emotional. 

I will trust in Him. 

I had to see it for myself...

It is indeed....POSITIVE!

Some bloopers from my phone...we are soooo happy, can you tell?!?

Keep praying for our little munchkin(s). Saturday we go in for an ultrasound to see if it is one or two!

Surreal!

We found out we were pregnant on Wednesday and it is now Sunday, so tomorrow I will be 5 weeks along. My beautiful cousin got married yesterday and it was so much fun! 

We have been so busy lately that I feel like it has not even begun to sink in that I actually have a little baby(babies) inside me. Wow, as I sit here finally able to relax and think about it I am a bit overwhelmed with emotion. We are absolutely beside ourselves and feel blessed beyond belief. 

So...a little bit of details....Wednesday I went in to have my blood drawn at 7:00. That morning Shaun and I decided that instead of waiting until Thursday we would have them leave a message at home. When I got home from Parent Night we would listen to the message together. 

The nurse quickly shot down that idea when she told me that they cannot leave a message since it is medical information. I then asked her to call Shaun and quickly left on my way to school. 

At recess Shaun called me in a panic saying his phone was mysteriously dead after being fully charged and he did not have the nurse's number....blah, blah...long story short...he got his phone working and at lunch I got a call from him. 

My heart was POUNDING! I said "hey babe," he said "hi mommy, you're pregnant!" 

Silence, tears, more tears and such joy came over me. 

He went on to tell me that she said my numbers looked great. They hope the beta number will be around 100 at that point and mine was 191. She said we are "healthy pregnant" and that everything is looking wonderful. 

Minutes after hearing the news I praised the Lord and went to pick up my kiddos from lunch. What a crazy feeling. Such joy was bubbling up inside of me and I could not wait to get home to see Shaun. 

God is so good. We know it is still very early in the process but we are blessed. 

Baby's first wedding!

We're Pregnant!!!!

I had another extremely long day and will fill in the details later but praise the Lord we are indeed 

4 weeks and 3 days pregnant!!!!!

Woohooo!!!!

I'm exhausted, time for BED!

1 More Day

Tomorrow morning is my blood test!!! AAAHHHH! Wow! The time went by so fast! 

Normally they would call me sometime before 4:00pm with the results but Shaun and I have decided not to find out until Thursday. Tomorrow I have a blood test in La Jolla and then I head straight to school where I will be staying until 8:00pm due to parent/teacher night. 

There is no way I want to be thinking about my phone ringing all day and risk bad news prior to a room full of parents expecting a full presentation. It will be better if I can just relax (TRY to relax) tomorrow and then I will call or have them call me sometime Thursday. 

I have to admit when Shaun and I were talking tonight and he was asking me, "are you nervous?" "excited?" I felt weird that I feel neither. 

Then I realized as we talked that in the back of my mind I am already preparing myself for a negative. I have done this so many times that I have learned to protect my emotions so this way if it is not positive it will be much easier to hear, and get past emotionally. He was so mad saying, "What?!? No, you need to change that point of view and have faith in the Lord. Think about it being positive and you being a mom..."

Of course I have faith.

 I know God can do anything.

I know God wants/knows what is best for me. 

 I want to believe that there is a baby/babies inside of me that will grow big and strong for 40 weeks but it is not easy. 

I am scared.

I don't even want to know the results because I would just rather keep thinking I have babies in there....

I know I serve a gracious, loving, powerful and overcoming God. I know He is in control and His timing IS perfect.
So...remind me of that if you see me! Haha Thanks!

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"

Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears"

Day 8

Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

2 days to go!

Pain in my @#!

I am soooooooooo tired of getting my progesterone shot each night. These shots are often referred to as PIO shots which stands for progesterone in oil. Long story short they are more difficult to do as they are much thicker than a normal water based injection. I have done these every night for the past 2 weeks and if we find out we are pregnant we will have to continue them until I am 8-9 weeks along. AAAHHHHH! 

And one more just in case you can't see how BIG this needle is...

And...pretend you don't see my love handles and just take a look at the bruises on my backside. Imagine what they will look like if we have to do these for another 5-6 weeks?!?

I am a bit irritated tonight because these are just not fun! However, I would do them for 9 months if that is what it would take. Today our pastor wrapped up his message with a few thoughts that hit home for Shaun and I....

Just because things are not fun and don't run smoothly does not mean God is not in the midst. Don't get caught up in the set-backs and losses (and shots in the rear), but instead focus on growing your faith and finding God in every step of the way. 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

3 days to go!

Day 6

Getting closer to the big blood draw, and I have had a few frequently asked questions...

Q: Are you going to take a home pregnancy test before that day or on that morning?? 

A: ABSOLUTELY NOT! I have spent more money and wasted more tears on those stupid sticks than 10 people combined. I have NO, none, zero desire to ever wait those daunting 3 minutes again unless I know it is going to say "pregnant" or show two bright pink lines. So, if God willing we are pregnant I will purchase one just to see it for myself and take a picture for the baby book but before then, it is not happening. (:

Q: So, are you feeling any "different?"

A: This question is so hard because of course you want to read into every little thing your body is doing and guess what?!? Regular non-pregnant people get gas, have sore boobs sometimes, get super tired, and have lots of other things happening that match the "early pregnancy symptom" list. Plus, I am on progesterone injections and estrogen pills still every night so that could cause changes in my body as well. I really do not feel any different. If anything, I am tired (most likely from my first week back at school), and have broken out big time (which could be the fact that it is hotter than @!*# lately.) 

Emotionally I still feel great. Each morning I wake up feeling blessed and I am still not a bit anxious about the news we will be getting in 4 days. I am just enjoying this blessed life Shaun and I have been given. Sounds corny I know, but it really is true! 

Philippians 4:4 "Rejoice in the LORD always! I will say it again: Rejoice!

4 days to go!

5 Down 5 To Go!

I have no idea how my eyes are still open right now...I...am.....ExHaUsTeD!! I had a great first week with my kiddos but could not be more excited about turning my alarm off and sleeping in tomorrow. My plans for tomorrow....

Nothing, lay around, lay outside, finish my book, a little more nothing, swim, possibly a nap...

Padre Game!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ."

Day 4

1 Peter 1:6-7 "In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

6 days to go!

Day 3

My day started with an early morning blood test before school. I met my class for the first time today and what a blessing. Love them so much already! I truly love teaching so much and look forward to going to work each day (minus the 5:00 wake up call each morning...)

Today's scripture for the day...

Ephesians 3:20 "...He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..."

1 Week to go!

Day 2

After reading my devotion today I was flipping through Psalms and of course I saw a million verses that were encouraging and uplifting but when this one made me cry, 

I knew it must be the one for today. 

To me, it describes a lot about how God has carried me through the past 3 1/2 years of baby struggles.

Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the LORD, and he inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And he set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear And will trust in the LORD"

Then, tonight during dinner I randomly asked Shaun if he had any scriptural inspiration for me today and he said YES! 

Shaun's verse for the day...

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit"

Amen!!!

8 days to go!

My 2ww

I have officially entered the dreaded "2ww" which in the infertility world stands for the 2 Week Wait (the time spent waiting up until a pregnancy test is taken). Since we did In Vitro we do not have to wait quite 2 weeks. We will be taking a pregnancy test in 10 days, so I guess we have officially entered the "10 Day Wait."

Instead of looking at this time as a time of anxiousness and stress I have chosen to make this a 10 Day Walk. A 10 day walk with the Lord. 

I will be posting a scripture each day that has spoken to me during my quiet time with the Lord or a scripture that will simply help me focus on Him during this time of waiting. Between working full time and meditating on the Lord's goodness these 10 days should fly by! 

Day #1

Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious for anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God"

9 days to go!

I Made It!

I made it through my 48 hours of bed rest! Here has been my view from the couch for the past 2 days...

And although our dogs are NOT allowed on the couch, they have tried very, very hard to break that rule since my butt has been glued there... 

Back to work tomorrow and excited to meet my new class of third graders on Wednesday! 

Transfer Day!

**Warning: Lots of pictures ahead and I have no clue how to get them side by side...sorry!**

I am home from our embryo transfer and have officially begun the dreaded bed rest portion of this journey. 

This morning I woke to such a peaceful feeling within me. No anxiety or fear but just excited, joyful and blessed to have made it to this point. 

We had to be at the hospital at 9:00 this morning and I was told to drink 32 ounces of water on our way since the transfer needs to be done with a full bladder. (Later I would find that this is THE WORST part of the entire transfer process!)

Once we got there we spent some time in prayer in the car and headed in, so excited to hear how our little embryos were developing. 

We lucked out having our transfer on a Saturday. The hospital was super quiet and not many people around. We took advantage of the empty waiting room and got a pic with our super sweet nurse Allison. She has been our go-to girl through the past couple months and we love her!

And we had some fun just messing around with the camera phone in the waiting room. 

Our embryologist came out to get us and we went into one of the conference rooms to discuss the current state of our embryos. 

She explained how the rating of the embryos gets much more specific on day 5 than day 3. As you know, 2 days ago we had 8 "good" and 2 "fair" embryos.

She informed us that we had 5 embryos make it to the blastocyst stage which is great, BUT none of them are "good" and in fact we only had 1 "fair" and the rest were "borderline fair."

I have to admit I was a little taken back. Not really discouraged just surprised, as was she. She said she would have expected at least 1 good and several fair with my age but that "fair" is not bad and people get pregnant with "fair" embryos all the time. 

She went on to say that if I had a "good" blastocyst that they would only be putting in one but because that is not the case we may want to up our chances just slightly and put in 2 since the second one is only "borderline" anyway. 

She did warn us of the chances of twin pregnancy that come with implanting 2 embryos but we knew we would rather risk having 2 babies than putting in only one "fair" rated embryo and maybe not getting pregnant at all. She agreed. She thought we were making a good decision and we felt so as well.

So 2 it is! 

And, the other 3 "borderline" will be frozen. 

Time to pop my valium, get ready! (And by this time my bladder feels like it is going to burst by the way!)

The nurse came in to check my bladder on the screen and I almost peed when she touched my belly. There was NO way I was going to make it through the procedure with it so full and so she let me drain it but only a tiny bit.  Torture! 

Dr. Garzo then placed a catheter in my bladder and drained it a tiny bit more to the exact amount needed (which was still pretty full!)

As they were prepping me, Shaun got to take a look at our embryos through the microscope while they were still in the incubator. He was so cute and came to whisper to me how cool they looked and how tiny. 

Dr. Garzo then inserts a thin catheter with a syringe on the end into my cervix and up to the uterus where he then releases the embryos directly into the uterus. We got to watch it on the screen and it was very cool!

We were then wheeled into another room where I had to lay flat for 30 minutes. I was so happy and teary for a few minutes. The tears could have been a combination of things...

JOY! valium, Shaun's sweet, sweet prayer with his hand hovering over my belly,

or the fact that I have never in my life had to go pee that bad...EVER (thus the reason Shaun's hand was hovering and not touching me!)

After 26 minutes I made Shaun go ask the nurse if I could use the restroom, it was unbearable. 

So, here we are in recovery waiting to be released and praising the Lord.

Coming Next: Bed rest, lots of prayer, loving our time together, 2 upcoming blood tests and continued progesterone shots each night. 

What an amazing day. I am overwhelmed with joy and I have 2 little babies floating around in my belly! Crazy!

{Praying for a miracle, or 2}

Best Husband EVER!

I am so blessed. 

I came home from work a little early today so that I could clean my house before being on bed rest for 2 days and Shaun's truck was in the driveway.

He wasn't supposed to be home yet and when I walked in the front door there he was and my house was CLEAN! He knows me so well and knew I would have anxiety about having to lay around if my house was not clean so he got off early. 

Not only was the house clean but he had set up a cozy little area for me next to the couch. 

Complete with fresh flowers, my computer, books, water, the bell Shaun's mom gave me to ring when I need something, and a cute little "I love U!" sticky note on the window.  

Shaun is in for a LLooonnnngggg couple days. Haha

I love him!

Me vs. Hubby

 Shaun and I were discussing the definition of bed rest. After the transfer tomorrow I will have 48 hours of bed rest in hopes that the embryo to begin implanting into the lining of my uterus.

ME- I was telling him that I think it means take it very easy. Don't do much of anything but you are free to move around, take a shower, sit up, play a game etc...

HUBBY- Basically Shaun thinks I am supposed to be chained to the bed. Horizontal, no showering, no driving, nothing for 2 days...

Today we called my nurse so that she could clear it up for us and I could plan accordingly for the weekend and...

SHAUN WINS!

She said it is "strict bed rest." Pretty much don't get vertical except to go to the restroom. WHAT?!? Oh my goodness, that is going to be sooo hard. Two days before the school year starts and I am stuck doing literally nothing! 

I am so incredibly excited for tomorrow but I am already looking forward to Monday around noon when I can shower! Wish me luck....and Shaun too for that matter. 

I Take it Back...

Just seconds after I finished writing the last post my phone rang and it was our embryologist....

my heart raced...

Are they really calling me at 8:20pm?!? 

What's wrong?

She said they had just graded all of the embryos on a good, fair, poor scale to determine wether they would be strong enough to continue onto Saturday. 

She said one more had fertilized since we had last talked making a total of 12. 

As of tonight...

8 are good

2 are fair

2 are poor

She also said that typically 50% of the good/fair embryos will continue to develop until the day 5 transfer. So we are hoping and praying that this is the case and that we have about 5 embryos when we go in Saturday. Although we know we only need one for a baby we are hoping to freeze a couple for future use if this round is not successful or if we decide to have more children. 

More good news! 8 good em-babies growing strong!

{Praise the Lord!}

No News is Good News!

Well, it is Thursday night and no news about our 11 little em-babies. The embryologist told us that they would be watching them closely to see wether we would do a 3 day or 5 day transfer. The hope in all IVF cycles is that you will make it to a 5 day transfer and this is the reason why...

In natural conception, the embryo reaches the uterus during the blast stage and it is still in the fallopian tube during the cell stage. In an IVF embryo transfer the embryo(s) are sent directly into the uterus. Therefore, transferring to the uterus during a 5 day (blastocyst) replicates the natural process more closely as compared to a 3 day transfer. Doctors also consider the blastocyst to be a more sturdy stage in embryo production so there is a greater chance of successful implantation. 

Since we did not hear anything from our embryologist today (day 3) it is pretty safe to assume we are all set for our day 5 transfer on Saturday morning!

Day 1: 1 cell with 2 dots in the middle.  This indicates a normally fertilized egg with each dot representing genetic materials from the mom and the dad.

Day 2: usually 2-4 cells.  The cells are expected to double every 24 hours or so.   

Day 3: usually 6-8 cells. Sometimes more cells.  Same doubling effect.  This is when fragmentation can be observed (small dots, not clean cell divisions) representing abnormal cells.  I’ve read somewhere that chromosonal abnormality can be around 25-70%. 

Day 4: Morula or compacting cell stage.  This is when the cells have doubled to around 16 and the individual balls are starting to expand and blend with the others.  You can see the bumps still.

Day 5: Blastocyst.  This is when we see 3 distinct parts – the shell, one dense bunch of cells (the baby), and the lighter cells (the placenta).  The blastocyst is ready for implantation but first it has to hatch from the shell.  The picture on the bottom right is a hatching blastocyst (can happen naturally or with the help of your embryologist – assisted hatching (which is most likely what will be  done to ours). The hatched blastocyst should implant within 12-24 hours to the uterine lining.

Pray for some good looking blastocyst babies on Saturday morning! 

Egg Retrieval & Fertilization

Yesterday was our egg retrieval...

We got to the surgery center at 6:30 and within 20 minutes I was receiving the IV. The nurses were asking me questions about how long Shaun and I had been married and how old I was. They were saying that I "was just a baby compared to the people they usually see undergoing egg retrievals."

And...the next thing I know I woke up in the recovery room with Shaun by my side.
The whole procedure is only about 30 minutes long. After I was able to wake up, get dressed and eat a few crackers and water we were sent to another private room to await the news about how it went.

Our doctor and an embryologist (who will be watching our embryos for the next few days) came in to tell us the great news!

They had retrieved 14 eggs total!

8 were perfectly mature

3 were a little underdeveloped but still had a chance to be fertilized

And the last 3 were either under or over developed and would probably be out of the running

8 mature!!! Wow, that is awesome! We were so happy with that news and so surprised! God is so good and He has proven once again that with Him all things are possible.

So we were sent home a bit sore and super tired as you can tell from the above picture but with big smiles! We were told that they are going to contact us the next day with how many of those fertilized...

And the news is in! 

I just got off the phone with our embryologist and she said that 11 fertilized and we have 11 little embryos! They will be watching them closely for the next few days but as of now we are all set for our embryo transfer on Saturday at 10:00 am. 

Wow! I am in awe. I am not surprised by the miracles God has already done throughout this whole process but still impressed and in awe of the love He has for us. I don't know what He has in store for us within the next couple weeks but all I can say is, man is it nice not having to worry. He is in control and I trust in Him and His plans for Shaun and I and our family. 

What a great feeling. 

Thanks so much for all of the prayers! Keep it up (;

Bruised

This is the night before our egg retrieval, as we finished up our last of the subcutaneous injections. Not easy to see in the pictures, but my belly has taken quite a bruising. Bloated, bruised and super tender, I am ready to get these not so little follicles OUT!

We Did It!

We had such a great time at my brother's wedding! Our shots had to be done promptly at 8:00pm and luckily my brother let us go to his beautiful roof top suite to get away from the crowd and take some time to peacefully get them done. 

My aunt come with us to talk to me and distract me and she was wonderful. As Shaun and my aunt prayed I felt the Holy Spirit all around me and the peace of the Lord filled my whole body. The shot itself was EASY! I never thought it would have been so easy and painless. 

Praise the Lord!

We are all set for our egg retrieval tomorrow morning at 6:30 am!

Trigger Shot!

I had my ultrasound this morning and my doctor said we are ready! We have about 8 large follicles and so tonight we will do a trigger shot called Pregnyl and we are scheduled for egg retrieval on Monday morning. 

The Pregnyl injection (trigger shot) stimulates the final maturation of eggs in the ovaries. The eggs will be collected 32 to 36 hours after the Pregnyl injection.

This has been my morning routine for the past week and a half but...not tomorrow! We get tomorrow off since it is the day prior to retrieval. Yay!

I am so extremely excited that we are finally ready for this step in the process. Some days it seemed like it may never come but God has been so good to me. I have felt His joy and a supernatural peace so much throughout the past couple weeks. I can honestly say that it had been very easy on my emotions
...UNTIL YESTERDAY...
My nurse was giving me the extensive directions for the trigger shot and saying things like...
"the needle is much larger and must be given directly in the muscle above your bum, just make sure you don't hit a blood vessel, check the syringe for blood, it is going to hurt much more than the other injections, you may have shooting pains down your leg, measure carefully and be sure to give it at the exact time we tell you. Oh and don't forget your other 2 injections as well!" 

I nodded my head, smiled and confirmed that I understood all of the instructions and then headed to my car. Where I instantly began crying.
 As if all of the above instructions were not enough, my husband was not there to watch the training, and all of this is going to have to take place during my brother's wedding tonight. 

In my head all I could hear was...
"bring refrigerated injections, wearing a dress, finding a place, husband best man, mixing medicine and switching out needles, BIG needles, HUGE needles, okay maybe I am not over my fear quite yet, Lord help me."

The top needle is the needle we have been using for subcutaneous injections in the belly each night and the bottom needle is what we will be using for an intramuscular injection tonight...AT THE WEDDING!

My breakdown did not last long but I think I just needed to let out some tears. It has been a long few months but we are almost done! I am so thankful that we have been able to do this whole process.
I have an amazing husband who now says he would love to go back to school to be a nurse. 
(You never know what God has for our future!) 

I have a wonderfully supportive family who have stepped in to pray with me, encourage me and even give me the shots when Shaun has not been able to. 
We truly, truly are BLESSED. 


The retrieval is a big step for us since my fertility issue is lack of eggs. Just because my doctor said there were about 8 follicles does not mean they will all make it through the retrieval, fertilize and still be strong enough for implant. Please pray!



And, on that note, think of me tonight while I'm at the wedding...doing shots...and not the fun kind. (;

A Day in the Life of IVF

We are getting close to our egg retrieval!! We should find out tomorrow if we will be going in Sunday or Monday. I'm so ready! 

I've Found the Cure!

If you have a fear of needles...
If you pass out when you give blood...

Try having 4 shots and a blood test everyday for a week and you just might find you will be cured too!

I WATCHED as my nurse drew my blood this morning and didn't feel lightheaded or wake up on the floor!

I am officially cured! (hopefully)